New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
