I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
