Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
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