when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Randomize
