So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Randomize
