So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
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like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
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I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
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