I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
