my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
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