y did u give ur computer a hand job?
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
