You just made me feel so damn special
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
