Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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