he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
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