she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
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