I could make wine with my vomit
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
50% drunk capacity currently
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
