if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
