life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
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