This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
This show inspires me to have sex in space
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
