This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Randomize
