You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
