in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
