Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Randomize
