just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
