You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
