Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
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