just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
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