Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
