does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Randomize
