I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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