he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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