she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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