Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
