I think I died a long time ago.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
This is the high leading the old right now
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
