yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
