Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
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