Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
