And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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