Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Randomize
