I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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