I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
