i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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