Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
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