seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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