i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
