I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
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