why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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