If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
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