I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
