I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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