my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
