She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
