Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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