im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Houston, we have a squirter
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
