rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
