Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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