He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
