Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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