I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Randomize
