I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
Randomize
