Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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